Monday, August 4, 2014

And the world just keeps spinning

Its been a bit since I last posted, since IM Texas in fact. Life has just been a whirlwind since. I pretty much finished Texas and then the next big hurdle is Logan and I's rapidly approaching wedding. Although I am so extremely excited for the wedding, I have been on a crazy emotional roller coaster.

1. I am freaking growing up. I am not ready for this.
2. I have been on a nostalgic trip for months now.
3. I am trying to keep my mood from cycling, and forcing myself not to hide inside.
4. I turn 30 in 9 months.
5. Holy crap, I am getting married.

I have been dealing with a lot of crap with, lets just say my job, *cough DOE cough* and my anxiety seems to be getting the best of me lately. I am really trying not to act like a hermit, but I am favoring solitude at the moment. I have crazy nightmares about anything and everything in general, including one where my bike was stolen prior to Silverman. AND my mind feels shattered, as in I can't keep anything straight. Why can't my thoughts just be streamlined?! I do realize that this is part of my disease, but I can't help but have some woe is me moments. I really try to avoid those, but I have been a total sap lately.

This morning I literally stood in front of the mirror and talked myself up so I had the will to drag myself to work. Lately, this is a constant struggle which is probably related to the fact that I have no idea what I am going to do when my contract is up. I am pretty certain we will have funding for a third year for me, but the fact that I can't control anything is killing me. Finally, to top things off I have become increasingly paranoid about things and what people think of me.

So basically, I have let myself become trapped in my mind. Its always part of the bipolar cycle.

BUT - as always, there is a bright side.

1. I am getting married!
2. I hear your 30s are awesome
3. I have a lot of great friends and wonderful memories.
4. I have always, always been the one in control of my mind and I have always been able to fight my illness.
5. I am getting married!!!

Its one foot in front of the other and I keep trudging along. So as much as I think I am not ready for this next phase of my life, I will embrace it and look forward to all the great things to come.

BONUS - meet our newest family member: Jackson (black bunny)