Thursday, February 18, 2016

Leave a light on

"In the darkness before the dawn
In the swirling of the storm
When I'm rolling with the punches, and hope is gone
Leave a light, a light on"

I have to admit - 6 months ago life seemed pretty hopeless. Most of what I was going through has been documented on this blog so I won't go into it again, but shit sucked and I was in a pretty bad place. Excuse my language. AND what a difference 6 months makes.

To be completely honest, I am a different person than I was 6 months ago both mentally and physically. The two years prior had just been one thing after another and I was tired. At that time, I think I was refusing to believe how bad off I was, but now I with the weight lifted, I can look back and think "I might have been acting not so normal." I think anyone that was in the situation I was in would not have been acting normal, but I am pretty sure I handled it poorly than most. I was angry. Very angry. I was sad. Actually, I was depressed. I couldn't focus on work. There were days I pretty much just spent in a fog and really couldn't remember anything I did that day when I got home at night. I think the best way to put it is that I was a walking husk of a person. I was physically going through the motions, but things seemed so pointless that I was mentally checked out. I tried to make myself feel, but I think the only emotion I felt for awhile there was anger - I hated everything. My first 3 years in New Mexico have been bipolar (SEE WHAT I DID THERE). There was a lot of bad, but I have met and made some great friends, got married, and got more involved in triathlon. In the end, the bad had started to outweigh the good. I was pissed I made the decision to move here, pissed that I chose the job I did, and pissed that I wasted my time with grad school.

But then things started to happen. Little sparks that started giving me hope again. Each spark was a life line. I grabbed on to those lights and held on tight. And then, I started living again. And not in the literal sense, but in the sense that it was ok to look forward to things, to hope for something. I started to enjoy my life journey again. I came back from a few weeks off from training more refreshed mentally. For once, I have been letting myself enjoy the "now". While I am looking forward to all the the races and other stuff planned for this year, they are not my sole focus anymore. I am learning to enjoy the journey to get there (be proud Liz - I know my countdowns drive you nuts!). I don't wake up dreading the day anymore. 2+ hour runs have suddenly become much easier (well not physically) and going to work is not the worst thing ever anymore. I smile now. I actually genuinely effing smile and that is something that I haven't done in a long time.

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