Sunday, October 29, 2017

Cancer sucks

They say that when a family member is diagnosed with cancer the whole family is. I feel like this is true. The last month and a half has been one of the hardest in my life. I can't speak for my other family members, but I am sure they feel pretty much the same way. I'm working through some tough stuff, but I am not the only one.

Things seem to be going back to "normal" as the initial shock has started to wear off. I keep running through a whole host of emotions. I am feeling guilty for when I feel happy. I am sure this is normal for the situation. I have moments where I am so overwhelmed I just have to sit down. I find myself rubbing the center of my chest in an attempt to calm down my racing heart from the anxiety. It's almost so automatic that I don't even know I am doing it. I think the thing I fear most is when I go numb and feel nothing at all. That is one of the hallmarks of bipolar systems. In fact, for a long time before I was diagnosed I thought I was incapable of caring for or loving anyone. I hate that I don't know what is going to happen. it drives me crazy. AND I WOULD REALLY LIKE A DAY WHERE I DON'T CRY. I am super emotional right now guys. Regardless, I am just taking things one day at a time. Luckily, the nightmares seem to be subsiding and I am starting to have nights where I am sleeping.

Most of all, I am angry. I am at a loss for how someone who is healthy and never smoked can get lung cancer. I've been avoiding reading things on the internet about it, but one thing I learned is that lung cancer is the most common and that as a non-smoking woman I have a higher risk of lung cancer than I do of breast cancer. Point is, I'm pissed. It's not fair. I know life isn't fair, but this feels particularly cruel. So f**k you universe.

Now that I've gotten my pity rant out of the way, I want to focus on moving forward. I am a firm believer that happiness is a choice and I choose to be happy. So while I feel guilty for trying to move forward while my dad battles cancer, I know he wouldn't want me to mope. I can be victim or I can fight. Victim has never been an option.

I just wanted to give everyone a quick update, since my last post was pretty depressing. This one isn't great either, but at least things are moving forward. I (and my family) am extremely grateful for all the well wishes we have received. It really helps lift our spirits. Dad's next chemo treatment is tomorrow, so feel free to send him some positive vibes!

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