Thursday, May 31, 2018

When life gives you lemons, eat them whole.

I feel like there really is no reason for this post other than to talk and ramble. That helps right now. It's been a little more than a month since dad passed and I still feel shell-shocked. Of course now that reality has started to seep in, things are starting to feel real. And it sucks. It's hard to believe that two months ago I could still talk to my dad and now I never can again. It doesn't mean I don't try though. I find myself talking to "ghost" dad quite often. I keep a little picture next to my bed and tell him good morning everyday. I even come home and tell him how hard this is. It's just such a huge void that I can't fill. The grief comes in waves. Memorial Day was, for lack of better words, excruciating. I didn't sleep Monday night and when I did, I woke up to an overwhelming sense of loss. I suspect I will have many more nights like that. But that's grief. It's not linear. I think the scary part is that my dad's life is a memory now and I'm fearful that I will forget. 33 years went by too fast and was not enough time with him.

I don't want to dwell on the sad. If there is one positive takeaway from this, it's that life isn't guaranteed, so make the most of it now. As much as I want to just sit down and mope, I can't. I still love life. I am still happy with my life, I'm just missing a big part of it now. In true Lani fashion, I have decided to come out guns blazing in getting back on track. See picture below.

While the process has been hard and an adjustment (who are we kidding, my life got turned upside down), I have been making progress to getting back to normal. I'm back to workouts, but that has always been an escape so it has been easy getting back on a schedule. I've made some big goals to focus on for next year. Sorry mom, more grandbabies are going to have to wait - one major life change was enough for now. I'm excited to get back to Ironman racing next year. I kept this year lighter since I didn't know what was going to happen with my dad and my body was tired from 4 straight years of it. It's been great getting out to workout with friends again and just getting back outside. 

We love bikes.

I think the hardest part has been going back to work. It's a sense of normalcy that I am not ready for. Also, since the grief isn't linear, getting emotional at work has been unavoidable. Luckily I have my own office, so I can just shut the door if need be. I am very grateful that people have understood that my mind is scattered and I may not be able to do something one day, but be ok the next day. Hell, today I was just excited to get a document to tech edit. As long as I keep making forward progress, the anxiety of being at work continues to lessen. 

Lastly, I just want to thank all of you. The support has been great and I love know dad was respected and that many people cared about him. It makes me (and my family) feel not so alone in all this mess. And finally, just remember - WTFWJSD.


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