Who are your biggest influences?

Continuing with the theme of my growth as a person and to be a better person, I decided I should acknowledge the people who have influenced me the most in my life - the list is long, but I want to acknowledge the standouts in my mind right now.

Of course my mom and dad make the top of my list, since they raised me to be a good person, hardworking, determined, and to ride the highs and lows. We have been through A LOT as a family, but they always made sure my sister and I had good family to lean on. Mom and Dad have also been really understanding with my disorder.

My sister. Wow, my sister. Every time I think I have problems, I think about what she has been through. 15 years of medical problems with no diagnosis until three years ago. She has had multiple surgeries, spinal taps, and complications. Top that off with 5 brain surgeries in 2 months - I have no room to complain. Whenever I am out training or racing and I feel like giving up, I think of her. She doesn't have the opportunity to do what I do. She can't risk injury to her head because she no longer has part of her skull so biking is a no no. Just that thought helps drive me through that 100 mile ride, the last part of the marathon in the Ironman, I just think of what she went through. I really am blessed to do what I do.

I have had so many people mold me into the person I am today. They may not know how big of an impact they have made, but they should know how thankful I am. Swimming at UNLV clearly changed my life. When I was recruited, I knew I would be a walk-on, but I had big goals. One of the reasons I chose UNLV was when Jim talked about Alyson Noble and her work ethic and desire to be the best. Yes Noble, I am pretty sure I wrote this in your senior scrap book, but I have to call you out again. It was such an amazing experience swimming with you, even if it was only a year. I just wanted to be able to work hard like you and have that drive.  You handled it all so well. You went through the grind day in and day out. It paid off. The impact that had on me shaped my mentality for the rest of my swimming career.

Jim and Kunio took me in and not only made me a good swimmer, but a better person. I was difficult to deal with and they put me in my place. They made me realize that it was ok to have big goals even if people thought it impossible. NOTHING is impossible. Let's face it - I was not even on the radar as being competitive in D1 swimming my first year. But I knew what I wanted to accomplish, and I knew the work I had to put in. 4 years and 2 minutes faster later, I accomplished that impossible goal. I managed what very few people get to experience all because I was not afraid to believe in that big goal. I even had a few team mates who admitted they didn't think I could do it after the fact, but acknowledged all the hard work I put in. My swim friends always supported my crazy goals - Tiff, Lauren, Soph, Jen...the list can go on and on.

Perhaps my biggest influence lately is actually my 22 year old self. In recent years I have been afraid to set big goals because I am afraid of what people will think. My 22 year old self did not give a crap what people said - I just did the work. I found that the only way to start believing in that you can do it, is to say it out loud everyday. That is what I did before and that is what I need to do now. I have big goals. I will get a job that I will enjoy. I will make Kona. You may doubt, but I will do it. I will quietly work on it everyday. I will dig deep and put in the work every day. I am more powerful than I can ever imagine It's not over until I win.

"This year I will make this goal a reality. I won't talk about it anymore. I can, I can, I CAN."

It all started somewhere. (I am in the grey cap and red goggles)

Dance like no one is watching

Anyone remember this song?

That's right. WEAR SUNSCREEN.
 
"DANCE, even if you have nowhere to do it but your own living room."

This song came out when I was in 8th grade and since I am having a slight third-life crisis I have been looking back and asking myself if I have lived my life the way I have wanted to. Quite deep thoughts for someone who should be looking forward to this new chapter. But honestly, things have not been great lately. Prior to last week I had been cycling again. I was completely down on myself and was feeling dead inside and worthless. I knew it wasn't true, but my mind was telling me otherwise. I was feeling very awkward and paranoid about how people were viewing me. I was actually bad enough that I was scared to leave my house. It was a serious mental struggle for me to leave for work in the mornings. I am pretty sure that if I didn't have such a rigid routine in the morning, I would not have made it to work at all.

I am not going to lie, work has been hard. I am bored. I find what I do right now boring. It really is soul crushing. Mostly, I feel like this postdoc was nothing but fail and I was pretty much hung out to dry and was left to navigate things on my own. I think this is what triggered the cycling. I was (and still am) worried about how I was viewed. The thing is, I work hard, but the job is not rewarding. My contract ends in 4.5 months and I am really looking forward to a clean slate. And by clean slate, I mean I want to completely 180 my career. I have been looking at a second postdoc that has absolutely nothing to do with what I have done before. That actually gives me hope that I can love what I do again. I NEED different. Anyway, enough of that tangent. Back to my feelings about my self-worth.

This past weekend I went to my friend Audrey's bachelorette party in wine country. Last week I was feeling pretty anxious about it. I was excited, but was extremely worried about meeting new people and how they would view me. Not only that, I was worried how I would take to being around strangers. I have a tendency to isolate and I constantly feel out of place. I also get panicked when people start talking loudly and I will shut down. It doesn't always happen, but my mood had been so whacked out that I was genuinely worried. The other thing is, is that I don't drink anymore, so I was even more worried that they would think I was lame and a downer.

Turns out it was all in my head. No. One. Cared. They actually understood and the funny thing is my mood shifted towards the positive. It is weird when I come out my episodes - it usually happens suddenly. It literally is bipolar. Everyone was accepting of me. No one questioned why I would come to wine country if I couldn't drink, no one cared about my appearance, and no thought I was weird (at least I hope not). There were a couple of time over the weekend that I did get over-anxious - I did go to bed early on Friday night because I was getting overwhelmed, but other than that my mood got increasingly better. ESPECIALLY when we went dancing. I always love dancing sober, drunk, or whatever is in between. There is something about it that is cathartic to me and really lets me feel "whole". Cheesy, I know, but it is the damn truth. In fact, Audrey's friend Kelly totally made my night when she mentioned that is was really awesome that I don't even have to be drinking to go out there and have good time. Seriously, sometimes it is those little comments that get me through episodes. People don't realize how much those little pieces fill the weird/crazy/broken puzzle that is me. So Kelly, if you are reading this, thank you. That comment turned my attitude around. In that moment, I stopped caring so much and I actually felt like "me," whatever that "me" is. For the first time in a long time, I like who I am. I am not saying that it is all rainbows and unicorns, but I actually like the person I have become. I can be "me" even with this disease. This was a long time coming, but I no longer like to think of myself as two different people - that there is the the real Lani and the crazy Lani. People accept the manic/depressed/normal Lani as one person, so why shouldn't I do the same? I am not saying this weekend was what changed the process, but it was the final push. Who knew that two days away could do that? Who knew meeting a bunch of new people could help me find acceptance without them even knowing?

I don't know where this disease will take me in life, but I have definitely learned how to combat it. Something about accepting my flaws and all makes it easier and I am going to continue dancing. So I will leave you with this:

"When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It's to enjoy each step along the way."

30 before 30

Today marks one week until I turn 30. Since I have been dreading this age for a long time, I have decided to make a list of 30 things/events I have done before 30 to make myself feel better. Read on for the list.

1. Got Ph. D. in inorganic chemistry
2. B.S. in Biochemistry
3. Became a conference champion in the 1650
4. Got my first big kid job at LANL as a postdoc
5. Won a Women's MWC championship with UNLV in 2005
6. Swam NCAA D1
7. Won CIF Division III championship in 2003 with Burroughs High School
8. Did my first triathlon in 2011
9. Did my first half Ironman in 2013
10. Became an IRONMAN in 2014
11. Moved 7 times by the time I was 14
12. Lived overseas in Japan
13. Been to the Philipines
14. Flown in a C-130 through a typhoon
15. Been in an 7.2 magnitude earthquake (Landers, 1992)
16. Made friends from all over the world
17. Proven a lot of people wrong when they said I wouldn't win, finish grad school, or live a normal life
18. Been hospitalized for bipolar disorder
19. Been in hell with bipolar disorder
20. Overcame hell - I chose to fight back
21. Became a strong person
22. Became an advocate for mental illness
23. Achieved every far-reaching goal I have set
24. Became a club/high school team record holder in swimming
25. Met Logan
26. Married Logan
27. Work hard at the chance to be great - everyday is another chance to be great
28. Bought and paid off my first car
29. Found peace and acceptance of my disorder (mostly in the last year)
30. Been blessed with an amazing support group - my family and friends that have accepted me crazy and all.

So now I guess I chase my other goals. Cheers to the next decade, I can't wait to see what happens next!

RANT: Swimming - you're doing it wrong

Run like the runners, bike like the cyclists, and swim like the errrr.....swimmers? OH MY GOD. The other day I saw a guy at the pool who was clearly a triathlete and doing everything wrong in terms of swim training. Bro walks on deck and begins to put on his Q-Roo wetsuit and I immediately rolled my eyes. Bro then gets into said pool swims about 100 warmup and then puts on paddles. He wore paddles the entire workout with shitty stroke technique. He also sat on the wall between his 100 repeats and rested too long and did not swim enough. ONE MINUTE between 100s. I did the math while I was swimming. Swimming seems to be such a mental block for triathletes and that's probably because it is not intuitive like running, or as easy to pick up as cycling. So let's break down what he was doing wrong.

WETSUIT:

I cannot even tell you how much wetsuits piss me off. Wetsuits are used to keep you warm in COLD water. Sure they make you go faster because you float better, but they are not to be used as a crutch in an 80 degree pool for training (unless you are testing for fit). Too many triathletes use wetsuit as a crutch. The problem with training in it is that you never actually develop good stroke technique because you are more buoyant. Additionally, what are you going to do when the water is too warm for wetsuits? You will struggle - learn to swim without the friggin thing! I personally think that wetsuits should not be used in water warmer than 65 degrees. Suck it up, we don't do triathlon because we are weak. LET'S TALK PRICE. If you are smart (and most of you are) you have not paid more than 150$ for a tri wetsuit. Anything over that is stupid. Yeah it promises you will go faster (but not by much), but for the average triathlete it makes no difference because most are not efficient in the water. Leave the expensive suits to the pros - it makes a difference for them and they usually have sponsors that give them the samples to try.

Also, THIS:

THIS is TYR's freak of nature wetsuit. Not only does it look stupid, it retails for 1200$. If you have ever thought of buying it, smack yourself now. If you own it, please stick your head in a bucket of ice water until your mind realizes what you did wrong. Stick to the 100$ xterra - it does the job.

WORKOUT:

Ok, so you want to be a faster swimmer. THE VERY BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF IS JOIN A MASTER'S SWIM PROGRAM. I can guarantee your stroke is crappy and you are not doing enough yardage. STOP STRUGGLING AND GET A COACH. So when said guy threw on his paddles on FOR THE ENTIRE WORKOUT, I cringed. He did not have good stroke technique at all and was risking shoulder problems because he was not swimming right - do not rely on your arms for swimming, USE YOUR WHOLE BODY! Next, since we are endurance athletes, you do not rest for long periods of time between repeats. My rule of thumb is (and remember I was a distance swimmer) is 50s get 5-10 sec rest, 100s get 10 sec rest, and 200s get 15 sec rest (maybe 20). The only time you should be resting a minute on 100s is if you are doing all-out sprints, which said Bro clearly was not doing. Also, you need to swim longer yardage. Bro got out after 1500 yds (I counted because I had nothing to entertain myself with during my workout). GET BACK IN THE POOL. Even a typical sprint tri is a 750 meter swim. 1500 yds/m a couple times a week is not enough to build a good swim base for even that short of a swim. Why? Because swimming requires you to not only have good cardiovascular endurance, but you also have to cut through this substance called water, which happens to have a much higher density than say air. SHOCKING! Let's sum up:
1. Get a coach
2. Don't rest too long
3. Get back in the pool
4. GET A COACH (all levels are welcome at master's programs!!! You may no think you are fast enough for it, but you will never get there if you don't join)

GOGGLES:

Goggles make me laugh. A lot of people have bug goggles that probably cost them 30$. The 80s called, they want their goggles back. Stick to swedes. They may take a bit to get used to, but at 3$ a pair it is worth it. Plus, you won't look so weird with those awful bug goggles.

Finally, if you have you have one of these (a waterproof MP3 player):

Please, remove it from your head and get rid of it. If you are swimming with purpose and with correct intervals you won't need something to entertain you. You will be too busy gasping for air.


END RANT

Winning the battle

" We can stay here and get the shit kicked out of us, or we can climb back into the light. We can climb out of hell...one inch at a time."


I read this quote recently and it really struck a chord with me. I certainly have had the shit kicked out of me with bipolar disorder.

To this day, I still can can't fully explain how I climbed of my "hell". I guess I was trapped in mind.  After I got out of the hospital, life wasn't all sunshine and roses. I started gaining weight from the meds, I got dumped my boyfriend at the (convenient that left when the going got tough - he even didn't have the balls to do it in person), and I was still in the middle of a major depressive episode. I withdrew myself from the world and basically made my very own personal hell.

So how did I move on? How did I dig myself out? I think that I realized that it is hard living - life is hard, so how do I make it easier on myself? I chose to be happy. Everyday hurt and I was struggling, but I was determined to find something everyday to find joy in. I started to swim again (even though I embarrassed to wear that swim suit again). I started running and started riding my bike again. I started talking to people again even though I had severe anxiety about doing it. Slowly but surely, the days started getting better. My mind was no longer my prison.

I still have those moments, but I can realize it now. Today, I am happier than I have been in a very long time. I find that spreading my story and documenting my journey in this blog is therapeutic. I don't want people to remember as the bipolar girl - I want to be remembered about how I fought it and how I helped the mental health community.

I recently started toying with the idea of forming an online community or maybe one day having my own non-profit. I am in the process of formulating ideas for a facebook page, but I don't know what to call it (ideas are welcome).

Today is a shorter blog and since I started with a quote I will end the with one:

"Live your life with passion - with some drive. Decide that you are going to push yourself. The last chapter of your life has not been written yet, and it doesn't matter about what happened yesterday. It doesn't matter what happens to you; what matter is, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

An Unquiet Mind

When did I become such an advocate for mental illness? For quite a few years after my diagnosis in 2008 I was ashamed and mortified. Why ashamed? I was an (and still am) overachiever and I was very good at everything I did. I had just come of a perfect senior year of college and was beginning my journey of obtaining my doctorate. So I kept asking myself how, when, where, why did things go wrong?

I was actually trying to describe to a friend the other day how bipolar "feels." I can pretty much sum it up to saying I have a lot of feelings (mean girls anyone?). I feel more than normal people feel. When you feel sad multiply that by 1000 and you get how I feel. When I am angry I am ANGRY. When I am happy, I friggin happy. Imagine life in a mind that tumultuous. It is never settled and always racing. So when people think the meds make things go away, that is not the case. The meds suppress the moods and feelings. You still have to fight your mind just not as much as before. Something I have not written about is my story before diagnosis. I haven't been comfortable talking about it until recently because I was mortified that it happened to me.

I guess I have always showed symptoms throughout the course of my life, but I never knew what was wrong. As a kid, I had horrible separation anxiety and night terrors. I would seriously cry all night because I didn't want to be alone. Eventually it went away and we attributed it to me growing out of a phase. Back then we didn't know about the manifestation of childhood bipolar and I didn't find out until I was diagnosed. Fast forward a few years to middle school. Now most people would think that my abnormal behavior was due to puberty, which some likely was, but I was worse than most. We were stationed in D.C. and I pretty much snapped when my dad got orders to move to China Lake. My moods were extreme-more extreme than most teenagers. I had my first "boyfriend" that was not a very good influence and basically lashed out at my parents every chance I got. I started skipping swim practice, taking my moods out on my teachers, and being a bitch in general. Normal? I can't say that some teenagers don't act like that, but my moods were darker. Some days I was the nice normal Lani, but then I would revert back to my darker thoughts. After we moved China Lake, my cycling continued and it wasn't until my senior year that I actually felt "calm." Once I left for UNLV my symptoms diminished slighty because I was on such a strict schedule of swim-class-swim-class-study. However, I definitely had my moments. My moods were all over the place sometimes and I would still get very cranky and depressed.


Grad School. Wow did things unravel quickly. This section may make you uncomfortable - it makes me uncomfortable. When I started grad school, things initially were going well, but towards the end of my first quarter I really started to lose it. Without the regimented schedule from swimming, I really had nothing to hold me together. My life had no schedule. I partied on weekends, stayed out late weekdays, and worked long hours. All this was the perfect cocktail for disaster. My disease legitimately started to manifest itself. It was scary. My anxiety was through the roof. I don't really remember when I went to the emergency room for the first time for a severe panic attack, but I know I went at least twice before I went and saw a psych. At that point we only thought it was anxiety so we medicated for that and moved on. However, things got increasingly worse. My behavior got more erratic and by the summer of 2008 at I was in a full blown manic episode. I find the mania part of bipolar to be the most dangerous. In fact, most deaths/suicides come when someone is manic. You may ask why. The reason is that you do a lot of stupid shit. You don't sleep, you are invincible, you party a lot. When you party you mix substances (on top of your meds). The lack of sleep makes you delirious, so you basically exhibit symptoms of being drunk. You take a lot of risks because you don't consider the consequences. I won't go into detail of all the stupid crap I did, but after one particular night of partying I crashed. All the months of basically being on a high were gone. I went straight from my crazed manic state, to a deep depression. Anyone who has been serious clinical depression can understand how soul crushing it is. I am not even really sure words can convey it. I went and saw my psych and he came to the conclusion that I was bipolar. We started meds, but I can't say they really worked at that point because a few weeks later I was in the hospital.

Have you ever had the experience of walking into the ER and telling them "I want to kill myself?" I have. It was the week of Halloween 2008. I woke up one morning and just couldn't do it anymore. I called my mom in tears and she convinced me to call my psych. My psych suggested I check in to the hospital. So I voluntarily drove myself to the ER and told them I want to die and I need help. You heard that right. I went voluntarily to the psych ward. Here I was, 23 years old with my mind completely crashing in on me. But to this day, I still think I am one of the lucky ones. I was smart enough to know something was wrong and I had a great support system.

Want a sobering experience? Spend some time in the psych/drug recovery ward. My roommate was withdrawing from heroin. She was younger than me. There was a guy in there covered in bandages from cutting himself all over before checking in. It scared me. We were not allowed to have any sharp objects for obvious reasons. We were checked on every hour on the hour - you can do the math to figure out why. I was woken up several time during the nights for blood draws to make sure I was not on anything. The windows are barred. The patio area was barred. No cell phones. It was an interesting experience. I was put on some pretty heavy drugs to stabilize me. You may have heard me mention seroquil a time or two. Seroquil is a nasty, nasty drug. They use it to basically sedate you. In fact it is actually given to schizophrenics. It was a really lonely time, but it was necessary. I saw many psychs/councelors/nurses/doctors and basically had my whole life turned upside down. About year prior I was swimming at nationals and now here I was completely at rock bottom. I was only in a week and half, but I am pretty sure that week and a half saved my life.

So fast forward to where I am now. Why would I share this story? It is important for you and the general public to understand that mental illness in general is misunderstood. Most people ask me why I just don't get over it. The reason is I physically can't. It Is chemical and that is a hard pill for people to swallow. We don't want to acknowledge that mental illness is a real disease just like cancer. We shame it because we can't see the physical symptoms because it is all in the mind. I may not carry physical scars, but I do carry mental ones. So this leads me to why I want to share my personal journey with you - by reading this maybe some of you can stop looking at my illness as "mental" and look at it like a disease. I treat it just like any other disease. Maybe this will help you see symptoms in someone else and get them help. Maybe you are having symptoms and this makes you realize you need help. I am not ashamed anymore. I will leave you with some pictures of kits my family and I are working on for my triathlon racing season. We are hoping to help raise awareness and educate people this year! Maybe you will join Team Lani this year!

Bipolar disorder is a blessing

Wow it has been awhile since I posted! Lately, I have been on a mental journey to accept the person I am. I know that sounds silly, but I tend to pick myself apart. I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to my appearance, feeling like a horrible chemist, and thinking I am not good enough to achieve lofty athletic goals (like KONA). I am hard on myself and I am sure others are too, but multiply those feelings by a million and that is my bipolar brain. HOWEVER, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have read some really good articles that really have me feeling positive.

One I recently read really, really touched a nerve. It is called "The 6 Blessings of Mental Illness" and you can read it here http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jonathan-friesen/the-six-blessings-of-ment_b_6507178.html. OH IT HIT THE HEART STRINGS. The six blessings described were: 1. generosity, 2. spirituality, 3. empathy, 4. accepting spirit, 5. courage, and 6. creativity. The two that really stood out to me were generosity and courage. I found myself in tears reading about them (in fact getting through writing this is causing tears).

I am not sure this counts as generosity, but one of my ultimate goals is to inspire people, those who have a mental AND those who don't, and show them you can be successful no matter what. In recent year my focus has shifted to educating people about this disease and helping them understand. I am by no means normal, but I think I have succeeded in life so far. I may have taken the long road and struggled more than most, but I have accomplished a lot and that is important for people to see. Even more important, I need to see it. As I have grown, I have begun to realize this. I am a pretty good swimmer, I have a degree in biochemistry, I have a Ph. D. in Inorganic Chemistry (I am a friggin doctor!), I am a postdoc at a well respected national lab, and finally I have pushed my body to its physical limits by completing and Ironman. Point is, I have done all this while being "crazy" and I hope people are inspired by it. Yeah, I do it for myself, but lately I have focused on how this can help and inspire people to be better.

The second blessing I really related to was courage. There are days where I seriously am so unhappy with myself and I don't want to leave my house. On those days I am actually afraid to be at work because I feel like people are judging me. I know it sounds crazy and that's because it is. One way I cope with this is CHOOSING TO BE HAPPY. People don't see the dark moods because I have the courage to put on my happy face and it actually helps. I like to think that I can brighten someone's day by being in a good mood and that in turn makes me feel better. Another thing my bipolar has given me is that I am not scared to put myself out there. I set long shot goals and I have accomplished them before just by believing I can do it (and hard work). I said I was going to win a conference championship when I was 2 min slower than the winner in previous years, so I dropped those minutes and won. When I started grad school, a Ph. D. felt so out of reach, especially when I was first diagnosed. I was even told by someone in charge that "I don't think it is possible for you to do this with bipolar disorder." Besides being livid, I found the courage within to finish and prove him wrong. I did. I have other examples of the discrimination I have experienced (especially with dealing with DOE and my security clearance), but I have pretty much developed an "f-you" attitude to these ignorant people. I can and will do what I set out to do. Finally, my most recent long-shot goal is qualifying for the IM World Champs in Kona. I need to lose weight and really improve my running ability, but I will do it. If I don't believe I can, it won't happen. I know there are doubters about my ability to do it, but I always have doubters. Every single one was wrong.

So what has bipolar given me? It has made be a better person. I appreciate so many more things in life now. In fact, I think bipolar makes me unique! I am not afraid to let people know how it affects me and how it works. In fact, I think I have proven that mental illness doesn't have to break you, it just makes life more challenging.