There is hope

There are sometimes in life when you fall down and you feel like you don't have the strength to get back up.

"There comes a time when the blankness of future is so extreme, it's a blank wall of nothingness. It is horrible to contemplate a futureless future. The monstrosity of being alive overwhelms you."

This is how I have been feeling lately. I am angry, I am tired, I am feeling just hopeless. Friday morning I woke up afraid to leave my house (I have a anxiety and paranoia about being in public). I called in sick. I asked Logan to not go to a movie yesterday because I got overwhelmed about being in public while we were at Lowes. I am having serious doubts about myself and my future.

So why is that?

Sometimes I am so frustrated with the situation I am in with DOE/LANL I want to scream. I seriously just want to walk outside and get it all out. The most recent update in obtaining my security clearance is that OPM shut down the EQIP system, which means I can't even sign my paperwork to continue forward. They shut it down the day I was so supposed to sign the papers. REALLY?! I mean REALLY?!

It makes me wish I never got diagnosed. This is interfering with my career and my path forward. I can't continue to move forward with this not progressing. The problem is that I am a nuclear chemist, which means there are only so many places I can work. I am highly specialized and pigeon-holed in this field. It is pretty much government or bust since academia is NOT an option.

I WANT TO SCREAM. I recognized their concerns. I realize I made stupid decisions when I was younger and I realize I should not be drinking with bipolar or with the meds I am taking. They are right in that respect. And this last year of not drinking has truly been eye opening. BUT - it is the wait that is killing me and I feel shattered. It is making me regret my decision to become a chemist. I wish I had decided on something that is more employable. It feels like a waste of 9 years of my life. I could have enjoyed my 20s instead of being stressed. All for a PhD that is beginning to feel worthless.

SO what is the path forward? This is the first time in my life that I don't know what is next and it is terrifying.

How can I cope? As I mentioned above, Friday morning I was afraid to leave the house. I was having serious doubts about racing Saturday. I didn't want people to see me and I have been feeling extremely vulnerable. I was most definitely giving in to the blankness. So I started packing my race gear. I opened my front door and panicked a little. I was leaving the safety of my isolation. I loaded my gear into my car. I put my race wheels on my bike. I loaded my bike. I got in my car and started it and drove. I was digging myself out of the blankness one mile at a time. I was making myself look forward to something - in this case racing. This race was my "hope" on this particular day. I was going to do something that I enjoy. And I had a good race, especially after doing a half ironman less than two weeks prior. This day, I had won the battle against my mind. Another day moving forward. So while I am feeling like there is nothing, I am also finding small things that give me hope. The fact that I left my house gives me hope (I know some of you may find it silly, but I am giving you insight into the bipolar brain) and I have not given in to the blank nothingness that I am feeling.

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope" - MLK

At least I can still smile during my low moments.

I tried and failed, but I didn't fail to try

This past weekend I raced BLST 70.3 and it was frustrating. Frustrating in the fact that nothing in particular went right, but nothing went wrong either. I have spent the last few days pretty much stunned with the way things turned out.

It was tough.

Physically, I was fine. I am nearly 20 pounds lighter, I have put on some serious leg muscle, and I am in the best endurance shape I have been in in years. I fully expected that this race would be my breakthrough race, but it wasn't. And that is a tough pill to swallow. The hardest thing about long distance triathlon is that if the race isn't going as planned, it is a long time to dwell on it. The key to salvaging your race is how you adjust mentally.

I realized things were off during the swim. It was not that I felt bad, it was that I didn't have that normal spark. It felt flat. I came out of the water at 26 min, which is slow for me on this course. I told myself that it was fine - the race does not completely rely on the swim. I changed my focus to the bike where I thought I could make up some ground. Climbing the hills out of the park felt ok, but again, flat. I kept churning my legs just trying to get up to speed, but going no where. It is so hard realizing that it wasn't happening today, but I had to keep going. I had to make this the best race I could. About 2 hours in, I knew I was not going to make my sub 3 hour goal. I had a moment of thinking why I did this to myself? Why do I work so hard, just to fail? Most of you know that I read a lot of inspirational writing because it helps me get through the days and deal with my disease. At that moment I thought of one I had read recently, which said:

"Don't cry to give up, cry to keep going. Don't cry to quit, you're already in pain, you already hurt, get a reward from it."

Get a reward from it. That was my mantra the rest of the race. Get a reward from it. Peddle forward, attack the hill, give my best for the last 15 miles. Get a reward from it. Down the hill to transition. Rack my back. Put on running shoes. Keep running. Get a reward from it. Pass that guy. Six miles to go. Get a reward from it.

With one mile left, I was cutting it close to getting under sub 6 hours. Oddly, after thinking I was hydrated (I hadn't shown any signs of dehydrated and I was peeing - I know gross) I started to stumble. What the hell? Keep going. Get a reward from it. Almost there. You can cry. Get a reward from it. I finished under six hours with 10 seconds to spare. I got a reward from it. Immediately crossing the line I found myself in the med tent (again) with an IV stuck in my arm. What happened? What went wrong? I don't get it. After getting out of the med tent when I could stand again, I saw my mom and cried. I was heartbroken.

In the days that followed, I talked to my coach about things. In discussing all the possibilities of factors that went wrong, we got on the subject of my meds. I am on wellbutrin and one of her other athletes had been on it before. When she raced in the heat, she would end up in the med tent, DNFing, and have odd hydration/salt/hyponatremia problems. Her doctor ended up saying it may be from the wellbutrin because when she went off it, she didn't have the issues. Apparently wellbutrin acts on the hypothalamus to regulate the seratonin dopamine re-uptake and in doing so affect thermoregulation and causes increased sweating. So basically, even though I felt like I was hydrated, I wasn't. Rough. Sometimes I get really frustrated with meds. Zoloft made me gain weight and retain it. Wellbutrin is allowing me to lose weight, but it affects my metabolic pathways. There seems to be no happy medium.

Although I didn't have the race I wanted, I did get to race in my super sweet bipolar race kit and my mom wore our team Lani shirts. We got a lot of great feedback about our cause. My mom mentioned people really liked our idea. In fact, even the HEAD race official and a paralympian thought is was wonderful. I feel like triathlon is a great place to grow my cause and reach out to people. The only thing I wish I added to my kit was my website (this blog - laniseaman.com). With all the great feedback I have been getting about my blog and my ability to spread the word about mental illness, I reallly hope to one day turn this into a non profit and raise money for treatment and support for those suffering. Now I am just trying to think of a name (it is Team Lani right now) and a slogan. So far I like "I'm bipolar, not crazy." I am open to other suggestions too, so if you have any ideas or would like to help get this off the ground and spread the word let me know!

Who are your biggest influences?

Continuing with the theme of my growth as a person and to be a better person, I decided I should acknowledge the people who have influenced me the most in my life - the list is long, but I want to acknowledge the standouts in my mind right now.

Of course my mom and dad make the top of my list, since they raised me to be a good person, hardworking, determined, and to ride the highs and lows. We have been through A LOT as a family, but they always made sure my sister and I had good family to lean on. Mom and Dad have also been really understanding with my disorder.

My sister. Wow, my sister. Every time I think I have problems, I think about what she has been through. 15 years of medical problems with no diagnosis until three years ago. She has had multiple surgeries, spinal taps, and complications. Top that off with 5 brain surgeries in 2 months - I have no room to complain. Whenever I am out training or racing and I feel like giving up, I think of her. She doesn't have the opportunity to do what I do. She can't risk injury to her head because she no longer has part of her skull so biking is a no no. Just that thought helps drive me through that 100 mile ride, the last part of the marathon in the Ironman, I just think of what she went through. I really am blessed to do what I do.

I have had so many people mold me into the person I am today. They may not know how big of an impact they have made, but they should know how thankful I am. Swimming at UNLV clearly changed my life. When I was recruited, I knew I would be a walk-on, but I had big goals. One of the reasons I chose UNLV was when Jim talked about Alyson Noble and her work ethic and desire to be the best. Yes Noble, I am pretty sure I wrote this in your senior scrap book, but I have to call you out again. It was such an amazing experience swimming with you, even if it was only a year. I just wanted to be able to work hard like you and have that drive.  You handled it all so well. You went through the grind day in and day out. It paid off. The impact that had on me shaped my mentality for the rest of my swimming career.

Jim and Kunio took me in and not only made me a good swimmer, but a better person. I was difficult to deal with and they put me in my place. They made me realize that it was ok to have big goals even if people thought it impossible. NOTHING is impossible. Let's face it - I was not even on the radar as being competitive in D1 swimming my first year. But I knew what I wanted to accomplish, and I knew the work I had to put in. 4 years and 2 minutes faster later, I accomplished that impossible goal. I managed what very few people get to experience all because I was not afraid to believe in that big goal. I even had a few team mates who admitted they didn't think I could do it after the fact, but acknowledged all the hard work I put in. My swim friends always supported my crazy goals - Tiff, Lauren, Soph, Jen...the list can go on and on.

Perhaps my biggest influence lately is actually my 22 year old self. In recent years I have been afraid to set big goals because I am afraid of what people will think. My 22 year old self did not give a crap what people said - I just did the work. I found that the only way to start believing in that you can do it, is to say it out loud everyday. That is what I did before and that is what I need to do now. I have big goals. I will get a job that I will enjoy. I will make Kona. You may doubt, but I will do it. I will quietly work on it everyday. I will dig deep and put in the work every day. I am more powerful than I can ever imagine It's not over until I win.

"This year I will make this goal a reality. I won't talk about it anymore. I can, I can, I CAN."

It all started somewhere. (I am in the grey cap and red goggles)

Dance like no one is watching

Anyone remember this song?

That's right. WEAR SUNSCREEN.
 
"DANCE, even if you have nowhere to do it but your own living room."

This song came out when I was in 8th grade and since I am having a slight third-life crisis I have been looking back and asking myself if I have lived my life the way I have wanted to. Quite deep thoughts for someone who should be looking forward to this new chapter. But honestly, things have not been great lately. Prior to last week I had been cycling again. I was completely down on myself and was feeling dead inside and worthless. I knew it wasn't true, but my mind was telling me otherwise. I was feeling very awkward and paranoid about how people were viewing me. I was actually bad enough that I was scared to leave my house. It was a serious mental struggle for me to leave for work in the mornings. I am pretty sure that if I didn't have such a rigid routine in the morning, I would not have made it to work at all.

I am not going to lie, work has been hard. I am bored. I find what I do right now boring. It really is soul crushing. Mostly, I feel like this postdoc was nothing but fail and I was pretty much hung out to dry and was left to navigate things on my own. I think this is what triggered the cycling. I was (and still am) worried about how I was viewed. The thing is, I work hard, but the job is not rewarding. My contract ends in 4.5 months and I am really looking forward to a clean slate. And by clean slate, I mean I want to completely 180 my career. I have been looking at a second postdoc that has absolutely nothing to do with what I have done before. That actually gives me hope that I can love what I do again. I NEED different. Anyway, enough of that tangent. Back to my feelings about my self-worth.

This past weekend I went to my friend Audrey's bachelorette party in wine country. Last week I was feeling pretty anxious about it. I was excited, but was extremely worried about meeting new people and how they would view me. Not only that, I was worried how I would take to being around strangers. I have a tendency to isolate and I constantly feel out of place. I also get panicked when people start talking loudly and I will shut down. It doesn't always happen, but my mood had been so whacked out that I was genuinely worried. The other thing is, is that I don't drink anymore, so I was even more worried that they would think I was lame and a downer.

Turns out it was all in my head. No. One. Cared. They actually understood and the funny thing is my mood shifted towards the positive. It is weird when I come out my episodes - it usually happens suddenly. It literally is bipolar. Everyone was accepting of me. No one questioned why I would come to wine country if I couldn't drink, no one cared about my appearance, and no thought I was weird (at least I hope not). There were a couple of time over the weekend that I did get over-anxious - I did go to bed early on Friday night because I was getting overwhelmed, but other than that my mood got increasingly better. ESPECIALLY when we went dancing. I always love dancing sober, drunk, or whatever is in between. There is something about it that is cathartic to me and really lets me feel "whole". Cheesy, I know, but it is the damn truth. In fact, Audrey's friend Kelly totally made my night when she mentioned that is was really awesome that I don't even have to be drinking to go out there and have good time. Seriously, sometimes it is those little comments that get me through episodes. People don't realize how much those little pieces fill the weird/crazy/broken puzzle that is me. So Kelly, if you are reading this, thank you. That comment turned my attitude around. In that moment, I stopped caring so much and I actually felt like "me," whatever that "me" is. For the first time in a long time, I like who I am. I am not saying that it is all rainbows and unicorns, but I actually like the person I have become. I can be "me" even with this disease. This was a long time coming, but I no longer like to think of myself as two different people - that there is the the real Lani and the crazy Lani. People accept the manic/depressed/normal Lani as one person, so why shouldn't I do the same? I am not saying this weekend was what changed the process, but it was the final push. Who knew that two days away could do that? Who knew meeting a bunch of new people could help me find acceptance without them even knowing?

I don't know where this disease will take me in life, but I have definitely learned how to combat it. Something about accepting my flaws and all makes it easier and I am going to continue dancing. So I will leave you with this:

"When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It's to enjoy each step along the way."

30 before 30

Today marks one week until I turn 30. Since I have been dreading this age for a long time, I have decided to make a list of 30 things/events I have done before 30 to make myself feel better. Read on for the list.

1. Got Ph. D. in inorganic chemistry
2. B.S. in Biochemistry
3. Became a conference champion in the 1650
4. Got my first big kid job at LANL as a postdoc
5. Won a Women's MWC championship with UNLV in 2005
6. Swam NCAA D1
7. Won CIF Division III championship in 2003 with Burroughs High School
8. Did my first triathlon in 2011
9. Did my first half Ironman in 2013
10. Became an IRONMAN in 2014
11. Moved 7 times by the time I was 14
12. Lived overseas in Japan
13. Been to the Philipines
14. Flown in a C-130 through a typhoon
15. Been in an 7.2 magnitude earthquake (Landers, 1992)
16. Made friends from all over the world
17. Proven a lot of people wrong when they said I wouldn't win, finish grad school, or live a normal life
18. Been hospitalized for bipolar disorder
19. Been in hell with bipolar disorder
20. Overcame hell - I chose to fight back
21. Became a strong person
22. Became an advocate for mental illness
23. Achieved every far-reaching goal I have set
24. Became a club/high school team record holder in swimming
25. Met Logan
26. Married Logan
27. Work hard at the chance to be great - everyday is another chance to be great
28. Bought and paid off my first car
29. Found peace and acceptance of my disorder (mostly in the last year)
30. Been blessed with an amazing support group - my family and friends that have accepted me crazy and all.

So now I guess I chase my other goals. Cheers to the next decade, I can't wait to see what happens next!

RANT: Swimming - you're doing it wrong

Run like the runners, bike like the cyclists, and swim like the errrr.....swimmers? OH MY GOD. The other day I saw a guy at the pool who was clearly a triathlete and doing everything wrong in terms of swim training. Bro walks on deck and begins to put on his Q-Roo wetsuit and I immediately rolled my eyes. Bro then gets into said pool swims about 100 warmup and then puts on paddles. He wore paddles the entire workout with shitty stroke technique. He also sat on the wall between his 100 repeats and rested too long and did not swim enough. ONE MINUTE between 100s. I did the math while I was swimming. Swimming seems to be such a mental block for triathletes and that's probably because it is not intuitive like running, or as easy to pick up as cycling. So let's break down what he was doing wrong.

WETSUIT:

I cannot even tell you how much wetsuits piss me off. Wetsuits are used to keep you warm in COLD water. Sure they make you go faster because you float better, but they are not to be used as a crutch in an 80 degree pool for training (unless you are testing for fit). Too many triathletes use wetsuit as a crutch. The problem with training in it is that you never actually develop good stroke technique because you are more buoyant. Additionally, what are you going to do when the water is too warm for wetsuits? You will struggle - learn to swim without the friggin thing! I personally think that wetsuits should not be used in water warmer than 65 degrees. Suck it up, we don't do triathlon because we are weak. LET'S TALK PRICE. If you are smart (and most of you are) you have not paid more than 150$ for a tri wetsuit. Anything over that is stupid. Yeah it promises you will go faster (but not by much), but for the average triathlete it makes no difference because most are not efficient in the water. Leave the expensive suits to the pros - it makes a difference for them and they usually have sponsors that give them the samples to try.

Also, THIS:

THIS is TYR's freak of nature wetsuit. Not only does it look stupid, it retails for 1200$. If you have ever thought of buying it, smack yourself now. If you own it, please stick your head in a bucket of ice water until your mind realizes what you did wrong. Stick to the 100$ xterra - it does the job.

WORKOUT:

Ok, so you want to be a faster swimmer. THE VERY BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF IS JOIN A MASTER'S SWIM PROGRAM. I can guarantee your stroke is crappy and you are not doing enough yardage. STOP STRUGGLING AND GET A COACH. So when said guy threw on his paddles on FOR THE ENTIRE WORKOUT, I cringed. He did not have good stroke technique at all and was risking shoulder problems because he was not swimming right - do not rely on your arms for swimming, USE YOUR WHOLE BODY! Next, since we are endurance athletes, you do not rest for long periods of time between repeats. My rule of thumb is (and remember I was a distance swimmer) is 50s get 5-10 sec rest, 100s get 10 sec rest, and 200s get 15 sec rest (maybe 20). The only time you should be resting a minute on 100s is if you are doing all-out sprints, which said Bro clearly was not doing. Also, you need to swim longer yardage. Bro got out after 1500 yds (I counted because I had nothing to entertain myself with during my workout). GET BACK IN THE POOL. Even a typical sprint tri is a 750 meter swim. 1500 yds/m a couple times a week is not enough to build a good swim base for even that short of a swim. Why? Because swimming requires you to not only have good cardiovascular endurance, but you also have to cut through this substance called water, which happens to have a much higher density than say air. SHOCKING! Let's sum up:
1. Get a coach
2. Don't rest too long
3. Get back in the pool
4. GET A COACH (all levels are welcome at master's programs!!! You may no think you are fast enough for it, but you will never get there if you don't join)

GOGGLES:

Goggles make me laugh. A lot of people have bug goggles that probably cost them 30$. The 80s called, they want their goggles back. Stick to swedes. They may take a bit to get used to, but at 3$ a pair it is worth it. Plus, you won't look so weird with those awful bug goggles.

Finally, if you have you have one of these (a waterproof MP3 player):

Please, remove it from your head and get rid of it. If you are swimming with purpose and with correct intervals you won't need something to entertain you. You will be too busy gasping for air.


END RANT

Winning the battle

" We can stay here and get the shit kicked out of us, or we can climb back into the light. We can climb out of hell...one inch at a time."


I read this quote recently and it really struck a chord with me. I certainly have had the shit kicked out of me with bipolar disorder.

To this day, I still can can't fully explain how I climbed of my "hell". I guess I was trapped in mind.  After I got out of the hospital, life wasn't all sunshine and roses. I started gaining weight from the meds, I got dumped my boyfriend at the (convenient that left when the going got tough - he even didn't have the balls to do it in person), and I was still in the middle of a major depressive episode. I withdrew myself from the world and basically made my very own personal hell.

So how did I move on? How did I dig myself out? I think that I realized that it is hard living - life is hard, so how do I make it easier on myself? I chose to be happy. Everyday hurt and I was struggling, but I was determined to find something everyday to find joy in. I started to swim again (even though I embarrassed to wear that swim suit again). I started running and started riding my bike again. I started talking to people again even though I had severe anxiety about doing it. Slowly but surely, the days started getting better. My mind was no longer my prison.

I still have those moments, but I can realize it now. Today, I am happier than I have been in a very long time. I find that spreading my story and documenting my journey in this blog is therapeutic. I don't want people to remember as the bipolar girl - I want to be remembered about how I fought it and how I helped the mental health community.

I recently started toying with the idea of forming an online community or maybe one day having my own non-profit. I am in the process of formulating ideas for a facebook page, but I don't know what to call it (ideas are welcome).

Today is a shorter blog and since I started with a quote I will end the with one:

"Live your life with passion - with some drive. Decide that you are going to push yourself. The last chapter of your life has not been written yet, and it doesn't matter about what happened yesterday. It doesn't matter what happens to you; what matter is, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?